The Ultimate Birthday Gift

I haven't met anyone yet who each year says "Yea I'm turning the age I should be turning. Just like last year, my life events, finances, and relationships are exactly where they should be according to how many years it's been since I popped out."

I can already tell you why I haven't met that person. They don't exist. All those things mentioned are social constructs built around you. They vary depending on the culture you come from, the culture you presently live in, and the culture you see yourself being a part of in the future.

The Law 

Here we are now left with the law in the society we live in. --> America

18- I was finally able to sign all my own documents, have an un-restricted drivers license, and vote. (No more forging mom's signature :-0 )

21- I was finally able to buy my own alcohol and stop sneaking into bars and clubs by using a fake french accent and pretending I was foreign. (Je m'appelle Alissa. Je ne parle pas anglais)

25- I now have less fees for renting a car. (Maybe I'll own one by the time I'm 30)

But that doesn't seem right to leave the fate of a birthday up to the law it co-insides with. At 25 I've reached one of my last known restrictions. I thought about the past years and what made them special. Each birthday has been so different;I've been sick in the past, in another country, and now on a different coast than all of my family. That being said, I never felt lacking or that I missed out when the variables of life changed. I've always felt they were good, life was good.

"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.Knowledge and love are both indefinitely extensible; therefore, however good a life may be, a better life can be imagined. Neither love without knowledge, nor knowledge without love can produce a good life." 

- Bertrand Russell 

Let the love in

So everyday and absolutely every year we learn things, we acquire a new understanding, and become all the wiser for it (hopefully). What has made my birthdays so special has not been the laws that I've reached or the new knowledge I've gained. It has been the love I let in, no matter how far, how sick, or how different things seemed to be, that has made each year as full as the last. 

What does it mean to let the love in? It means a few things but firstly, people give love all the time around you but its easy to dismiss because of pride, prejudice, or your own insecurity. We've built up walls and behaviors that make showing human-to-human love seem weird or off. Letting the love in with people is literal. Accept the kindness and the words on your birthday. Be genuine and gracious.

The second component is letting the love in, from you own self. What do you love? What makes you feel alive? Let it in. Embrace it. I made my own breakfast, listened to some Billie Holiday and Louis, and I wrote. It's easy to forget what makes you tick throughout the year because such is life. Letting your love of pleasures and activities is another way to fill you up, even for just that one day a year.

My trusted and true Billie Holiday poster.

The ultimate birthday gift

"Let the love in" I reminded myself the night before my birthday. It was easy to feel a little homesick and that something was missing. I let that moment have it's time before letting the love in from all those who reached out-- which quickly filled any void I felt before. Then I let the love in from myself. I wrote, I cooked and enjoyed my favorite music. I found solace in remembering that the amount of love I let in helps deepen the capacity for the love I let out or give.

Letting the love in is the ultimate birthday gift because it is a multiplier of all things. It re-energizes your soul, the soul of others, and if you truly let it in, it becomes the gift that keeps on giving.

It won't matter where you are or who you are with. Those things will become supplemental to your birthday if you can practice letting the love in.

Changing the Conversation.

A fellow blogger sent me this quote.

"You don't write because you want to say something,  you write because you have something to say." - F. Scott Fitzgerald.

My words are a call to action for you, and all of us to change the conversation about mental health. I'm not even talking about changing what kind of treatments are needed like medicine vs. psychotherapy. I'm talking about acknowledging that it is real, it is an issue, and letting those that reach out know that they are not alone. There is hope. 

It's not a big deal if you deal with it. 

Being that March is women's history month and also rounds out my quarter of a century being around, I thought now was as appropriate a time as ever to post on this topic. 

My Story

My story is personal but not uncommon. I grew up with my Dad having Schizophrenia (diagnosed around 2003), which meant I was acutely aware of mental illness and its effects from an early age.

When I was 16 I was diagnosed with depression. At first, I thought it was something I would grow out of, like a pair of shoes, or a pair of pants. I started taking Zoloft at 18 and until I decided to take myself off of it at 20 while a sophomore in college.

 I had some depressive episodes while on the medication but felt pretty stable and “in-control". About three years later though, I had to get back on medication and it wasn’t easy. Through therapy and medication I realized that my depression wasn’t a phase from my teenage years. It was something I would have to live with and deal with for the rest of my adult life.

Beyond my Control

That realization felt debilitating and crushing. I was eating healthy, exercising, drinking lots of water, and making sure I had a solid sleep schedule but that still wasn’t enough. I didn’t understand how despite my efforts, it was something beyond my control. 

Despite knowing that my Dad couldn't help having a mental illness, somehow I thought I was different and I was more powerful than any chemical in my mind. I was ok with others having something they couldn't control alone, but I didn't apply the same understanding for myself. 

Lack of Awareness

Mental health is indicative of many other issues. Because of the stigma and lack of awareness surrounding many disorders, those with the disease suffer and turn to self-medication like alcohol or drugs. They aren't bad people, they are just people trying to find a way to stop the pain, who also don't have a full understanding of what is happening to them. 

We need to make talking about our mental health ok and not a sign of weakness or defeat. It's empowering and brave, it shows self-awareness and emotional intelligence to say "Hey something doesn't feel right and I want to do something about it. I want to get help." 

A Secret We Share 

Andrew Solomon is one of my favorite writers on the topic of psychology and depression. He gave a compelling TEDTalk about how depression is a secret we share. His outlook and perspective offer some comfort and a different voice than any other I've heard. 

"Valuing one's depression does not prevent a relapse, but it may make the prospect of relapse and even relapse itself easier to tolerate. The question is not so much of finding great meaning and deciding your depression has been very meaningful. It's of seeking that meaning and thinking, when it comes again,"This will be hellish, but I will learn something from it."

Seeking out others with depression and learning more about what our culture is doing has been a great asset for me. I am open about my depression because I own that is a part of my identity but not my entire identity. People are complex and multi-faceted.

We spend so much time in our society trying to isolate one trait, one ingredient, and one behavior to get the fix-all. 

Synchronicity of Life 

What we need to understand is that life works in synchronicity with everything else. My depression, along with my happiness, curiosity for life, and my adventurous spirit all make up who I am. Just like one meal won't make you fat or skinny, one depressive episode or down day does not define my life. 

Most days are good, actually great! When the days are bad I have learned not to fight them or resent them. I sit with the downs and let them have their moment because that's all I can do. Granted, I don't do things to make them worse. 

I haven't quite figured out what exactly makes me feel better in the immediate but I do know what exacerbates my lows. Drinking, poor eating, not getting enough sleep, getting over stimulated (trying to do too much in a short period of time). 

Thats an import piece to my puzzle. We can't always have the answers for what works but figuring out what doesn't is equally important. 

Value and Perspective 

The world isn't as lost as depression makes it seem. There is hope. There are bad times but the good in the world and it's beauty are much brighter than any darkness out there. You just have to hang around long enough to see the sunrise. 

My depression adds value to my life and spirit because it is a part of me. I have different perspectives about the world because of it.

Call to Action

My call to action for anyone reading this is to understand that people with mental health issues and illnesses are not less important, no less capable, and no less of person because of it. The judgement and stigma needs to end. Once we move past that, we can move towards helping those in need and strengthening our society. 

Moving from "If, then" to "Now, I am"

Dolores Park, The Mission, San Francisco

I'm here. I've been in San Francisco for three months now. Part of me feels like I just arrived and another part feels like it's been a lifetime. Both are true in their own right.

This time last year I had just moved to New York and had never been more sure that I was in the right place at the right time.

Manhattan

Life has a funny way of reminding you that your expectations are sheer hypotheses. I've filled my life with "If..then.." clauses and none of them have actually held true.

What I've learned to say in lieu of my endless hypotheses is "Now, I am.."